“How are you doing, Chuck?”
“Who the Hell are YOU?”
“I'm your Facebook wall.”
Not the first time I've talked to the walls... first time a wall has started the conversation.
So-o-o... how am I doing? Well, I'm sick, that's how I'm doing. I'm barking like a sea-lion, and every cough feels like a hot wire brush is scraping my lungs -- that's how I feel. I'm also depressed. Well OK, I think that it's fair to say that's not new. I finally figured out that I've been depressed for the entire past year. I'm just stuck somewhere in grief, anger and depression, and I can't make myself do anything. I can't eat, but I eat too much. I can't sleep, but I can't stay awake during the day. I can't exercise, but I pace all over the house. This ain't workin' for me, so I have an appointment with a counselor next Wednesday.
It's not like I've never been depressed, but always before I would get bored with it in a day or so and quit. This time... I'm bored with it -- boy am I bored with it -- but no luck on the quit front.
Why won’t it go? Damifino. Th’ Luvly Laura died a week before Christmas a year ago. I was devastated. I knew it was coming, but when it got here I wasn’t ready, and I was furious, I was betrayed and I was lost. But time went on, and I expected to see things thru farther seeing eyes, but it didn’t seem to be happening. So I lived with the sudden bouts of face-twisting grief, the fear of inappropriate outbursts of pure fury aimed at all the wrong people, and the hope that it would be better soon.
Meanwhile, I started losing people. Tim in Akron, a long distance best friend from college, died over the summer. Because of Laura’s illness I hadn’t stayed in touch, so I hadn’t been aware of how ill he was. Laura’s best friend from school lost her mother, and then her father six months later. I went to both funerals. Being free to do so was a terrible freedom, but I drove to those funerals… first to Akron, Ohio, and then a few months later in the cooler days of November to Arlington National Cemetery in Washington, DC. People in my age bracket begin losing people about now, but knowing that ain’t helpin’. Soon is long past, and it ain’t better, so we'll see if some professional listening will get me there.
“How’m I doing? I’ll get back to ya.”
Stay tuned goyz 'n burls... insight may ensue.
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Comments: 38
That said, I like the flow of your writing.
Hospice offers grief counseling which I hear is excellent in case whoever you're seeing isn't up to snuff.
A therapist once said to me 'Feelings are important. But they're just feelings.' Didn't make any sense at the time, but reading Buddhist philosophy taught me that welcoming the feelings, acknowledging them, letting them come into your awareness and feeling them fully, then ultimately releasing them, lessens the degree to which they will disrupt your life at unexpected moments. Feelings will not be denied--the internal pressure becomes too great--and people will use all kinds of distractions to keep them contained. Scarlett O'Hara was both wrong and right--'I'll think about that tomorrow' can be a useful tool when 'tomorrow' brings a therapy appointment and the opportunity to deal with tangled emotions in a supportive environment. If that 'tomorrow' never arrives, the feelings continue to build until the pressure creates cracks in our self-control that threaten to open wide at moments when self-control is important.
It's okay to cry. It's necessary...and your body will tell you when it's ready to stop. You are whole, just different, in a way that contradicts your definition of self. Therapy will help you put yourself back together and work through your grief.
And Susan is right. Laura wouldn't have wanted you to suffer so badly for so long--everything you have written about your love for her says so.
Blessings, L.
I don't think anyone is ready for their loved one to pass, even when that loved one has been desperately ill for a long time. Anger is a part of grieving, I know I was furious with God for taking my Grandmother so soon after she first showed me the God she knew and loved. For a long time I shut off everyone, but in the end God had a great blessing to give to me, and I'm forever grateful for His love.
What helps me most is the shortest statement in the Bible, found when Jesus was told of Lazarus's death two days before...."Jesus wept". Now Jesus knew about Heaven and yet still He wept over his friend's passing. So if Jesus wept I know it's okay for us to grieve. Too often society wants to pose limits or stages on our grief. That is so wrong. A particular stage (such as anger which is often the first emotion after the death of a loved one) can be revisited over and over again...there is no order in the grieving process. What is important is that we should allow ourselves to grieve as our own body and thoughts require, not as society dictates.
No, Laura probably wouldn't want you to suffer, but she loves you, so she'd understand your grieving. It doesn't seem like it now, but your tears will lessen in time. Sometimes our 'real life' friends aren't the best means of helping with our grief, they too become anxious about how deeply you grieve and want to hurry on the process, and as a consequence you hold back in front of them, sensing their discomfort and not wanting to load your grief on them.
That's where writing is such a blessing, because it allows those feelings to flow out of your thoughts and onto the paper. It's not important that they be logical, or even in correct sequence, it matters only that they are out of you. It doesn't mean that you'll forget Laura, she will forever remain in your heart. Perhaps what you write may help someone else, it's good if it does, but the most important person that it will help is YOU. Weep until you're exhausted as you write, don't stem the flow, laugh too as your writing reveals the happy and joyous memories that are roiling around inside your thoughts.
Know that your life will get better, the raw pain will ease and you're depression will lift. Try to get out of the house at least once a day, walk or do other exercise to keep your body fit, and you will get out of your depression.
Praying for you my friend, write if you want to or need to. God bless.
I feel for you mostly because of the depression. At the moment you'e not living, you're existing and I'm so glad you have the courage to go to a counsellor. Susan's right that Laura wouldn't want you to suffer like this for so long. The counsellor will be able to help you accept what's happened and come to terms with it without taking away any of the memories you curl up with at night, and maybe you can stop lashing out in anger at the illness that took her away but accept that all the years you had with Laura before that are yours to be remembered in whatever order you want to bring a smile to your face.
All you friends here want to see our physical health restored but also want the mental balance back where you can speak of Laura with joy to us and without hurting.
You know I shall have a similar problem in the near future and I'm hoping I shall learn so much in coping mechanisms from you that will stop me reaching the depression you have. Already the way you tell your stories is a fine way to hold such great memories up without folding. Build on your strengths and be at peace.
On the other side of that, I lost several friends and family members in the early to mid 2000s. I just found out, today, that one of my best friends had a stroke a couple days ago, is paralyzed on his left side, and can't talk. I just hope this news doesn't presage a new string of illnesses and deaths.
I hope your counseling helps and also hope you realize you have many Gather friends who will listen any time you want to share with us.
Being sick makes things even bleaker. Hopefully you will get better soon. I hate the cough part of a cold worse than any other part. Especially when I'm trying to sleep.
You have children. When you get better can you go and visit them? I know when Laura was alive you liked to travel with her. Maybe you can do some traveling.
It's hard to loose bonded relationships and links to the past. But if you look toward the younger generation that might help.
When my son died I became depressed I bottled it all in and it was not until I let it all out and talked to my daughter about how I felt that I started to feel better and stated to sleep and eat better. Sometimes we men are our own worst enemy's Chuck we think we don't need help or that we can weather the storm, go to your counselor but sometimes the best people to talk to are the very same people that have gone through or are going through the very same as you your children after all they knew both of you and what you both meant to one another.
We look forward to it. And we're all looking forward to your book(s). Writing can be cleansing to the psyche.
Groups for berevement are a wonderful place to start. There we learn we are emotional beings in times like these and it is ok to be a REAL MAN.
It is normal to think about our own mortality as we draw closer to those others who fought the good fight in this life and finally have the peace we all deserve.
I am sure your Lovely Laura wants you to be at peace in this life. CONNECTIONS are the key. Pain will lesson as you learn how to reconnect, cry until the tears no longer flow and know there is life after a death.
We are just reborn into a new life and if we try... It gets better with age ;o) Hugs my friend!
I know your beliefs and mine may be worlds apart but I just have to say what I always say, "I am finally after many years...Good with God and Good to Go!" IT is they ONLY thing that keeps ME going. ~PEACE~
Thank you for sharing and submitting to
The Surreal Circus.
I know "talking" helped me to come to terms with my son's death. It was wonderful when friends would come over and tell stories about him.
1) Shock and denial...2) Pain and grief, 3)Anger and Bargaining, 4) Depression, Reflection, Loneliness 5) The upward turn, 6) reconstruction and working through 7) Acceptance and Hope.
These are the seven steps one goes through. Your counselor will help you.
I am sorry for you loss.
Being sick is no fun and it just helps to bring us down even more... The winter can also , be depressing... maybe, this counselor can help you get through this... Good Luck to you...
Featured with grace in the The Surreal Circus.